A boy came running to Mandir frantically searching for me. He spotted me and uttered the message in one gasp of breath, " Jitu's mother is in hospital, she is undergoing surgery, he wants you to be with him for help, he called up hostel office. " Those were days when the cellphone revolution had not caught up. It was just a week in the run up to the 76th birthday of the Lord. But for me it was special due to my convocation. I was tossed in the dilemma drifting back and forth between Parthi and Bangalore. I had to make a choice. On one side were Swami’s darshans, the enthusiasm of participating in the convocation and on the other side was the help needed by my beloved brother whose mother was down with a dreaded disease of cancer and was recuperating in Bangalore. But His words ’seva is the best sadhana’ gave me the clarity to decide. My thoughts drifted finally to Bangalore before I physically reached there with a sense of satisfaction that I am of some help to my friend in need.
Immediately preparations were made and I was in a bus heading towards Bangalore. I started right earnest in rendering help to my friend, like going on errands to get some things from market, consulting the doctor, taking turns in remaining awake at night to look after aunty. It was quite a hectic schedule. We did all this work without aunty coming to know about the dreadful disease she had. Any conversation requiring the mention of the disease was code worded as ‘cigarette made for each other’. Slowly I started getting accolades from aunty, Jitu and the doctors, which gave me a lot of satisfaction. We spent around four days together and after all the hectic service, the day of departure arrived. Aunty came to the railway station to see me off and with tears in her eyes, she said, “You are like my second son, without you I wouldn’t have been walking like this.” I reached Puttaparthi just one day before convocation, with a sense of achievement that I had done a great job and made Swami happy. This sense of satisfaction was overwhelming my mind and unknown to me, vanity crept in.
It was the day before convocation and the hall was jam packed with the crowd overflowing the magnificent Sai Kulwant hall. Every inch of space was occupied to have a glimpse of the Lord. The heavenly darshan music started and Swami came gliding to give His benediction to the craning devotees. I got a vantage point in the front line. I sat with folded hands in salutation, heart thumping beneath my chest and mind recollecting all the yeoman service ‘I’ had rendered in the last one week. A sense of vanity crept in without my knowledge. Few calculations were quickly undertaken. ‘ I think, I will get a look and a smile at the least.’ I thought to myself. My chain of thought was broken by a big round of applause. I turned to see, Swami giving His benediction with both hands raised. He looked like a freshly blossomed rose, silently strewing fragrance all around. I continued the thought, ‘ Will he talk to me, will he pat my cheeks today.’
The excitement was palpable, with beads of sweat rolling down from my forehead. Swami took an unusual turn and was right in front of our line just five metres away from me. I was on pins and needles seeing Him walk towards me, showering His moon like glances on one and all. My heart missed one beat just by thinking what might be in store. Swami came gliding, spoke to the boy just next to me, all the while looking at him without straying His gaze on either sides. I was anticipating His gaze on me. Suddenly or perhaps apparently, Swami realized that He has missed the boys on the other side and took an about turn. A couple of boys got a shower of Vibhuti and after crossing a few boys, He picked up where He left on my side of the line skipping me and a couple of boys next to me. It was as if He wanted to ignore one denizen sitting there with lot of anticipation. He walked on and I saw the vibrant orange form slowly receding from my view carrying with it all my hopes and aspirations. Watching His bewitching form gliding away from me, I got soaked in the feeling of despondency.
My mind continued its tryst with despondency and frustration brooding over all the hard work undertaken and the lack of attention from Swami. But slowly all the feelings started dissolving. A strange feeling of peace descended on me. I was at loss of words to describe this state of mind. All the expectations, memories of the service and the chatter of the mind melted like mist in the morning sun. I was completely present in the moment looking at the giant screen in front of me. Every gesture of His looked beautiful and enchanting. The darshan music sounded ethereal, I enjoyed the instrumental version of 'Sai Darshan’ by Kavita Krishnamurthy. The buntings, flowers, the chain of lights and the big red Chinese Onions as they are called, looked very beautiful. All the faces around looked blissful, soaked in the joy of His darshan. The faces of the tiny tots of the primary school looked like countless sunflowers riveted to the sun.There was nothing to interfere in the pure joy of witnessing.
No looks exchanged, no words spoken and no smiles given; but something profound happened. Has he given me a
glimpse of what is the purpose of service? Is this what service should actually
do-remove the doer of the service?
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